“It’s like you’re trying to come in first but it’s somebody else’s race.”
—What Happens In Vegas
September 2011
“The beginning of love is to let those we love be perfectly themselves, and not to twist them to fit our own image. Otherwise we love only the reflection of ourselves we find in them.”
—Thomas Merton
“Maybe the reason for the pain is so that we would pray for strength. And maybe the reason for the strength is so that we would not lose hope. And maybe the reason for our hope is so that we can face the world. And the reason for the world is to make us long for home.”
—Matthew West, Reason for the World
Honesty is still the best policy.
I realized I haven’t posted anything here for quite some time while my journal is bursting with written words. A part of it is because I can’t really post everything that’s been happening to me without risking being busted by the people involved. But for the most part, it’s because I’ve been crawling myself through med school. In this one, let me divulge something in a rather vague form. Or not.
And doing the wrong thing even when everyone’s watching? That’s what I’d like to call kakapalan ng mukha. I’ve tried searching the internet for an English translation, but the closest I’ve found is shamelessness. Complete and utter shamelessness, to be exact.
In med school, we get quizzes every day. So, it’s common for you to see everyone reading everywhere, all the time. And I’m not exaggerating. I, for one, read even in the ladies’ room.
And in our class, there’s another common thing that you’d see during exams: CHEATING. Yes, you’ve read that right. Cheating. In Med School. With a proctor inside the room.
I won’t act holier-than-thou like I’ve never cheated all my life. Of course I’ve cheated. But I’ve never copied an entire page for 30 freaking minutes just so I could get a high score, and still have the face to be the first to line up for one point corrections. And then, top the class!
I am pissed off. I have been thinking of these people’s welfare, even going against the cry of my other classmates to separate ourselves from these cheaters. But what have they done, really, other than cheat and talk shit behind my friends’ backs?
Revenge is sweet, but it is not mine (Romans 12:19). But that doesn’t mean I can’t do something about it. Oooh. That’s something to watch out for.
Let me leave you with this:
“It is better to deserve honors and not have them than to have them and not deserve them.”
- Mark Twain
LOL!!!! okay okay… you dont visit that often, huh?..
Yes, ate. Believe it or not, for someone who basically knows her way around the internet and grew up reading Hardy Boys and Nancy Drew, I don’t visit his site a lot. If I didn’t visit his profile on Facebook the other night, I wouldn’t have remembered that he has a Tumblr! Excluding my visit on his Tumblr the other night, I couldn’t even remember the last time I visited his site. It’s probably been months, I think. :)
This is why I love friends.
WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW! LUMALABLIFEEEEEEEEEE! :)
Sino?????????
HAHAHAHAHA!!! :) My dears, he’s the Prince Eric to my Ariel. Sounds pretty silly if you add that to the fact that we’re really just friends, and nothing more…. YET, I would like to think. He’s a friend of a friend that I eventually became friends with. Funny, when I told that story to my best friend, she called him my one true love. Which is something that I’m not sure because I might be just infatuated with him, but who knows? Maybe we’d end up together, or not. But I’d like to hope for the former. I’m not head over heels in love with him. You know that stage when you really like someone but you’re not as crazy about him/her anymore? Darn, that’s pretty hard to explain. Umm.. It’s like I’m so sure of what I feel for him that I don’t need to be in his face all the time. I’m like Rome. To quote Elizabeth Gilbert in Eat, Pray, Love:
Rome doesn’t compete. Rome just watches all the fussing and striving, completely unfazed, exuding an air like: Hey - do whatever you want, but I’m still Rome. I am inspired by the regal self-assurance of this town, so grounded and rounded, so amused and monumental, knowing that she is held securely in the palm of history.
That is how I feel. I don’t need to join the race for his attention.
Ahhh, so this reply has been a little bit like a blog. Sorry, I got carried away. Haha! But just for the record, we’re just friends. I like him, but he doesn’t know that. He has a tumblr account, which I don’t follow and don’t visit that often. And his name is…..
I guess we’d just have to save that for later?
You Make My Heart Have Premature Ventricular Contractions
Only an hour short of September’s second day, I was greeted so dearly by the ever-surprising twist of fate. But you know how fate is sometimes on your side? Today is one of my days. One of many, I hope.
As I was mindlessly scrolling through my Facebook’s news feed, my eyes fixated on a name that I have sorely missed. I realized that it has been so long since I last looked at his profile so I decided to drop by and see if there are any changes to his profile information. While looking at his profile, I’ve had this urge to message him. But of course, the Maria Clara in me stopped myself from clicking on that little chat box. You see, I have never been the first one to start a conversation with the guy I like. I sighed and mumbled a simple prayer: “Lord, miss ko na sya. Sana magkausap na ulit kami.” (Lord, I miss him. I hope we could talk again.) And before I could even blink, *poof!* a chat box popped on my window. It was him.
<Insert fan girl scream here>
Yeah. It took me a couple of minutes before I could stop from silently screaming my lungs out, dancing foolishly, and thanking God for an answered prayer.
He was trying to catch up. I don’t know if he also realized that we haven’t talked for months or if he was just plain bored. I don’t care. I missed him that much. And still, even after months of no contact whatsoever, he’s still the man I want to marry.
Whoa. Wait. What?!
Yes. It’s pretty silly and difficult to explain (because I don’t know if I’m the only one who has experienced this) but when I met him for the first time, I just knew that he was the man I’m going to marry someday. It’s weird, really. It was like instinct or gut feeling. It was, like, he was the opposite pole to my magnet. I was attracted to him for reasons I don’t really know. It seemed as if I was hardwired to like him. Either that, or it’s all in my weird head.
I went to sleep thinking about him, and I woke up just the same. When I went to school, my classmates commented on how I looked positively blooming today. Ah, another confirmation of how joy from the inside radiates to the outside.
Dear you,
If you’re reading this right now, then I guess I’m busted. This post was never supposed to be published. I just typed it down to vent out these feelings, but it’s about time you knew. Don’t jump into conclusions though, however tempting it is to put two and two together. There are so many things that I have left unwritten, because some things are meant only for you.
You made my heart skip beats like no other person or substance can. For a pretty stable person like me, that’s something.
It’s weird to be saying all these things online.
Love,
MeP.S.
I’ve realized, however, that there is a 50% chance of you not reading this. If that’s the case, well, I think I have to hide these feelings inside me again. That doesn’t change anything, though. I’m still marrying you. ;)
63. Live life with an attitude of gratitude. Don't endure life, enjoy it.
“There is no ongoing spiritual life without this process of letting go. At the precise point where we refuse, growth stops. If we hold tightly to anything given to us, unwilling to let it go when the time comes to let it go or unwilling to allow it to be used as the Giver means it to be used, we stunt the growth of the soul. It is easy to make a mistake here, “If God gave it to me,” we say, “its mine. I can do what I want with it.” No. The truth is that it is ours to thank Him for and ours to offer back to Him, ours to relinquish, ours to lose, ours to let go of – if we want to find our true selves, if we want real life, if our hearts are set on glory.”
—Elisabeth Elliot
“The best thing for being sad,” replied Merlin, beginning to puff and blow, “is to learn something. That’s the only thing that never fails. You may grow old and trembling in your anatomies, you may lie awake at night listening to the disorder of your veins, you may miss your only love, you may see the world about you devastated by evil lunatics, or know your honour trampled in the sewers of baser minds. There is only one thing for it then — to learn. Learn why the world wags and what wags it. That is the only thing which the mind can never exhaust, never alienate, never be tortured by, never fear or distrust, and never dream of regretting. Learning is the only thing for you. Look what a lot of things there are to learn.”
—The Book of Merlyn, T. H. White
August 2011
Goodbye, August.
This morning I woke up with a realization, a bit shallow, but still: time flies by so fast! I mean, it’s September already! Just two more months and it’ll be my birthday soon. But not to get ahead of myself, this is my goodbye post for August, while everyone else is so caught up in welcoming September.
Dear August,
You flew by so quickly. Too quick that I almost didn’t notice you, if not for the MedNight and my second shifting exams. I would like to apologize for the times that I forgot what day it was. My sense of time has been distorted by the late-night dates I had with Guyton, Snell and Netter. But thank you, for letting me dance the night away during your first Saturday. It was just exactly what I needed, plus you even added that double-take moment to top the night off. Now that was one date I would never forget. ;)
There were issues and tears, but you made sure that Joy was never too far away. Those constant unexpected meetings made me free fall —- only to find myself floating with happiness. I guess falling has its perks after all.
You were something to thank God for. Blessings after blessings came my way. If I had a penny for every blessing I’d received, well, the blessings would still weigh more than the money. I thank God for you, because you are a blessing.
You were great, but like the moon makes way for the sun, September’s waiting to be welcomed. Let’s move on while surely holding these memories safely within the corners of our hearts. Don’t worry, we’d see each other again. I’m sure. Next year, you’ll see.
Grateful,
Me.
